Reviewing The Reviewers

On their latest review, Pitchforkmedia.com get creative with a disgraced Senator, the pigeon that once caused Don Burke’s youngest child to say “Dad!”, and their five times tables. NOT FUCKING REALLY! Drawing on classic notions of colour and time, Rob Mitchum gifts us eight paragraphs that it would have taken a team of monkeys much, much longer to write, proving yet again that monkeys are stupid fucking babies, except for this old guy:

Eat shit, you stupid cunt!

Rob Mitch Um correctly identifies the fact that the post-Get Behind Me Satan Jack White was bored with the limited palletttttte snore snore. Wha? It gets better when he takes a stab at idiot Led Zeppelin fans (“Meg White once again puts the lie to the theory that John Bonham like totally made Led Zeppelin bro”), who deserve every ounce of criticism heaped upon them by righteous music review websites (and a punch in the kidneys). John Bonham? The drummer from Reef could have filled his fetid clogs if Robert Plant would cut the ivy off his eardrums and listen up for once!

Later on, Rob… Mitch? Um… talks about the faux-mariachi horns in the song ‘Conquest’, but if you ask me, he doesn’t take it near far enough. I am buried up to my fucking nostrils in faux-mariachi bullshit and I’ve had enough. Can Vice magazine pleez do an expose on this ridiculous trend in their DOs and DON’Ts section? Worst trend EVER! FUCK!

This review gets 45,000 stars.